It happened so ordinarily. I had gotten home just about 30 seconds earlier than my roommate Justin and had finished slurping down a glass of water. I was walking around the living room, on the phone with a friend, in the middle of some ordinary conversation, when Justin handed it me.
It was a package.
Normally, I would have opened the package doing the whole phone on the shoulder method while using my teeth and vigor to rip open the innocent yellow bubble wrap lined envelope, imagining the miraculous items that could be inside from anonymous senders in far away places (I like to not look at the sender before opening stuff – it makes it more fun), making forceful grunts to rip apart the tape while the person on the other end sits there wondering if I am in the middle of a some sort of seizure.
But this was different. The packaging had pink Asian-character style printing. I quickly put it together – MY BUDWEISER SWIMSUIT HAS COME IN!!
“Uhhh I am going to have to call you back” I said as I hung up, before I could even let him reply.
“Justin….Justin….JUSTIN! IT’S HERE!!! IT’S HERE!! IT’S REALLY FINALLY HERE!!” Although I was yelling to Justin to come look at my beautiful delivery, I was thinking of how great the summer will be when Jack Johnson and I ride up and down the roads together in my American chariot of freedom (aka JEEP), making plans for camping and surfing trips, and spreading American joy to boys and girls near and far. It will be the best summer yet.
I continued to shout through the house as I stared in complete and utter amazement at the tiny article of folded up fabric I had just received.
“Oh my god, it’s here. And it….is the smallest thing I have ever seen…?”
I wasn’t completely surprised that the one-piece suit looked small. The site said the suit only came in one size and was being shipped from China.
“Justin, leave the room. I am putting this on – right here, right now.” Like it mattered – we have nearly floor to ceiling windows on both sides of the house. Oops.
I stripped off my athletic pants and nearly tore off my quarter zip sweater. This suit was TINY. I was sweating by the time I got in. I had ordered the one-piece for a few reasons:
- It won in the POLL OF GLORY challenge
- A one-piece could help hide some of my…er…less attractive features. IE, winter’s revenge on my what was my once flat stomach. Which was like 5 years ago. But still. That’s beside the point.
- It’s a classic!
Well, let me say this: might as well throw that all to the wind because this was suit anything but flattering. This suit would not even fit me if I were to lose 60 lbs. This suit would not even fit on a 4 year old correctly. To put it in perspective, they may have accidentally put the fabric that they use to make HANDKERCHIEFS through some sort of midget swimsuit fabric cutter and then sent it to me. I would lose this suit if I were to keep it in my pocket to use as hanky.
Nonetheless, I showed off my fashion by running out of the house and spinning around to show Justin’s girlfriend. Obviously, she was impressed.
I then ran upstairs and ooh-ed and aah-ed at my new found summer outfit, even though it looked terrible. I was a cross between an 80s swimsuit model + a 7 foot tall person trying to fit into a 6 year old’s leotard + one of those people in the “BEFORE” pictures for crash diets. If this still doesn’t help you understand, let me just say it. It was bad.
Alina: Why don’t you try putting on your American flag jean shorts as a sort of cover up with it?
Me: Good suggestion – I actually have already been wearing them for a few minutes now.
I am going to keep the suit mostly because I am crazy but also mostly because I don’t think they take returns. When it comes down to it, it was only 15 dollars. I have already been searching online for other suits that do not come in ONE SIZE from China. Etsy has some good finds but only time will tell. Perhaps I can find a way to crazily stretch out the suit.
- When excited about ordering beer-marketed swimsuits, don’t always take the one size fits all approach. Unless you plan on not drinking the beer that is being adorned on your future swim apparel – because at the one size fits all rate, you will have to stop drinking or eating anything altogether. Even water.
- Good friends have good advice. Great friends have advice that always includes American flag jean shorts.
- THERE WAS LIGHTNING LAST NIGHT AND IT WAS AWESOME!!