Roommate Bonding: Lessons in DIY Hair Cutting

So I know in my preview for the week I promised all these really, super great posts; one in particular being about some nice gems I got last weekend, including some cassettes (which are flawless and sound beautiful blaring from my already noisy Jeep) and some maps and a weird hat that has a fish coming out of it. But, to be honest, I think I am the only one who would really care about that.

So, in lieu of that stupid really interesting post, I am going to take this opportunity to instead blog about what happened last night.
Some of you may know Justin Jones, my famous roommate. He is a twenty-something year old, and a local wizard who disguises himself as a grocery store manager. He isn’t really as much a local wizard as much as he is just a local celebrity, gaining national (and even international) attention on twitter with #grievenacesagainstjustinjones. Some examples of what I mean:

3-29-2013 1-46-35 PM
the original grievance
3-29-2013 1-47-28 PM
that sucks.
3-29-2013 1-46-05 PM
even the weekdays are a little upset.
3-29-2013 1-45-45 PM
why so much resistance?
3-29-2013 1-45-18 PM
but the tree had that coming.

Anyway, enough of that. Last night something happened.

Many of you may know that Justin has beautiful, flowing locks of long brown gorgeous hair.

Not anymore.

It has been cut.

I cut it.

I cut Justin’s hair.

It went something like this:

JUSTIN: Hey Amber, wanna cut my hair?

ME: I know as much about hair cutting as I do about astrophysics or the fact that I am still single (total mystery)…..


ME: Yeah, that’s a yes.

Just we wrapped Justin in a Houghton garbage bag, gave him a PBR, and started going over the details of what would happen.

Andrew, showing Justin the endless possibilities of male haircuts on the internet
Andrew, showing Justin the endless possibilities of male haircuts on the internet

Andrew tried to provide guidance for Justin’s new look via the internet, but it just made Justin more nervous.

The following is my suggestions, tips and tricks for cutting mens hair. Using your roommates is a best practice.


  • If you do not have one of those big black tarps that hair stylists put on you so that you aren’t allowed to do anything fun with your arms while they are cutting your hair, use a City of Houghton garbage bag. We like the orange bags. They really suited Justin and brought out his natural hair characteristics. We made sure to cut the hole that went around his neck extra big so we wouldn’t be choking him. We already had him tied up in a garbage bag with a pair of scissors near his head in front of a window, we didn’t need the police coming.
  •  No beer for Justin. While the person is getting their hair cut, having them swing their head all over the place to guzzle down sips of bottled PBR really can be bad for you, as you try to keep your scissors from piercing their skull, or even worse, cut an uneven layer in their hair.
  • Actually, forget that – Beer for Justin. The more beer they drink, the better they will look once the cutting process is over. This is especially important for hair cutting rookies. Also, make sure you leave the premises or do not see the person the next morning, once they have realized what their hair actually looks like.
  • Unless you want hair snippets all over your floor forever (hey, some people are into that), make sure to rip up paper grocery bags and old cardboard boxes (we get a lot in the mail from Amazon) and place them strategically on the floor around where the hair cutting will take place. It is very important that you walk all over them and accidentally tear them and leave lots of gaps between them so that hair falls through all these very large small gaps and gets all over your floor anyway. This is especially important if it is late Thursday evening and you plan on having a lot of people over Friday evening. Guests like hair.
  • Which reminds me, there is a party at our house tonight (Friday, March 29) for Justin’s birthday! Stop by!
  • Have a photographer on hand (I recommend Andrew Benda) who can also make sure to play “Highway to the Danger Zone” on repeat during the whole hair cutting process. Just don’t let the person whose hair is being cut watch the video, because it is so good that they will ultimately get distracted and start bobble heading around, making your job much harder.

    Andrew, getting his creative side together
    Andrew, getting his creative side together
  • Convince your patient to get a mullet. Tell them repeatedly that it is worth it. If they say no, remember that you are the one with the scissors, not them, and just do it anyway.
  • Do not clean up. It will be a disaster fun to look at the huge mess you made the next morning.

Check out the newer post that has pictures of the process and to see how beautiful Justin looks in an orange garbage bag. And, sadly, despite our courageous and unending efforts to convince Justin to have a mullet, he sadly did not follow through.

What do you think? Any hair cutting tips out there? COMMENT BELOW


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